Furcissy, one of my favorite bloggers and friend, writes often about the “why” of D/s. One of his recent posts (well not so recent now -it’s taken me awhile to finish this post) had me thinking why I am the way I am, or more accurately about who I am and what I want.
It’s been since January that I stepped into the role of dominant in my marriage. I now know without a doubt that I can break sayyid. I can make him a slave to me in every and any way that I desire. I can do what furcissy talks about in his post Psychological Dismantling.
Part of me is curious to see what would happen. I was on that path with sayyid at one point but I stopped.
I think one of the reasons was that it was changing the way I viewed him. I want a “man” (pardon me for being stereotypical for a moment, it’s just easier than going into a big long description). I don’t want a sissy. I understand others are drawn to this but that’s not an element I’m attracted to. I also don’t want a mindless robot, who simply follows orders, although at one time I thought that was what I might want. I want a bit of push back, a bit of brattiness and cheekiness because it can trigger domspace for me.
I want PIV sex and a “man” -who just happens to do my bidding and treats me like the Queen that I am. That’s not too much to ask for is it? Probably, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it and going after it.
The other reason I stopped just short of breaking sayyid, is that there are times I feel a need/want to give up control and be the one to follow orders (sexually). The thing is sayyid isn’t dominant with me. He is so clearly made to be submissive. He’s not a switch like me either. Yes he can top very well in the bedroom but waits for me to initiate it, like the good sub that he is I guess.
I know I shouldn’t, but I resent him for not being what I want him to be:
• I want him to want this lifestyle as much as I do
• I want him to be able to switch between sub and Dom as easily as I can and find true enjoyment and fulfillment in either roles
• I want him to be at least as knowledgeable as I am about BDSM, D/s, and kink related topics
• I want to exercise control when I want to and give it up when I don’t
In short, I want it all.
I know this is unrealistic. I’m just saying in a perfect world this is how it would be. I know with another it would work this way but I’m not willing to leave my husband for that.
So at this point I’m not sure what to do. Sayyid has said I need to compromise. He’s probably right. I’m just used to getting my way though, so compromising is going to be a challenge. He was left with a whole list of things to research while I’m away. When I get home we will begin talking more in depth about how to make this thing work so we are both happy and fulfilled.
Wish us luck!