I got scared

I got scared at the changes I was seeing in sayyid and started to question if that was really what I wanted him to be. He fell harder and faster into submission than I expected. It surprised me. The changes I saw in him scared me.

So I started to pull back a little on the dominance. I let him have more periods of control (in the bedroom). He got confused. I got confused. So picture the two of us now standing here looking at each other with “ok now what?” looks.

But now that I think I figured out the reason, I can initiate talk with him about it. As a good friend made me realize, I’m not in this alone. I have to see where sayyid’s head is at. Does he want to be changed? How far does he want to go with this? Does he realize the implications that will have on our relationship, on our marriage?

It’s not like I haven’t tried to have this discussion with him. It’s just that this time I won’t accept “whatever you want” or “if it gets to be too much I’ll tell you” as his answers.

Last week I implemented our debriefing sessions that we used to do when I tried being a sub for him. Wednesday evenings and Sundays. He came down with a stomach virus yesterday so we skipped it. If he’s feeling better I’ll call a session tonight. If not I’ll wait until Wednesday.

Should be interesting. I’m hoping to have more clarity on how to proceed from here. He has mentioned a few times he would like to try switching. Now, I know beyond a doubt I am a switch. I don’t want to ride the slash (and be both Dominant and “submissive” – still hate using that word in relation to myself, ugh, but for simplicity sake I will) rather I need to be both.

That’s another realization. I was thinking that someone either feels a real need for dominance or a real need for submission, but for a switch it’s a choice. This is wrong. It’s not a choice. I would not be happy being dominant all the time. Nor would I be happy being… ugh here’s that word again…. submissive all the time. I need both in my life.

Figuring out how it will work is the next step because I don’t know if he’s a switch or not. I don’t think so. His submissive tendencies are too strong -it’s like his natural default setting in regards to me. He struggles to be dominant. He doesn’t push it nearly as far as he needs to. So why he thinks he wants to switch, I have to find out. Perhaps it’s because he thinks it will make me happy.

It would make me happy, if I believed it was what he wanted and was within his ability to be that way. I just don’t buy it.

So stay tuned as there may be some interesting developments coming our way.  I will keep you all posted.

12 thoughts on “I got scared

  1. As a switch I can say for me at least I can’t switch with the same person. I can’t imagine trying to dom my big. I can dom another female though. Maybe he’s kind of like that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think that’s the crux of most D/s relationships that feature a romantic component. How do we balance the partnership with the D/s, and do we want to? How deep is too deep? How do we maintain it so it’s fulfilling for both, and how do we know how far our partner is willing to go/wants to go?
    Regular talks like you have devised are probably the best way to go about assessing this. With the caveat that sayyid actually -talks- and explains where his mind and heart are concerning this. Where does he see this going, what does he want from it? In his defense, it can be difficult to know. I think when one is accustomed to being the Dominant partner, it’s easier to envision the future and the path. As a submissive, allowing someone else to do the planning becomes so inherent that we struggle with seeing a path (much less trying to plan one).
    If sayyid can’t answer the questions you have at the next discussion, perhaps give him a timeframe for thinking about them and formulating a response. Reassure him that there isn’t any wrong answer, but impress that he needs to truly contemplate these so he can be as fulfilled as you in the future.

    As for switching, perhaps you can try being bedroom-only submissive for a period of time? HD has considered switching for a week out of the year to satiate his need. That would help me because I would have a specific time period to work with, I can plan ahead, and I won’t be blindsided with a sudden role-reversal. Maybe something like that would work for the two of you?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you HH. I really like what you wrote here. As for me being submissive, i think I need a follow up post to explain my aversion to the word and the idea of me submitting. I probably should have used the term “bottom” rather than “submit”

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think bottom is probably a better term considering that you still want to maintain the power in the relationship. For the same reason, whenever HD feels submissive, I refer to my actions as “Topping.” I am not his Domme, just his Top doing actions at his behest, and so I maintain my position as the submissive. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for the perspective PG. and this is what I’m having to accept. That it’s just not in him so if I have needs or wants that I want him to meet I might actually have to spell it out for him like that. I have done that but I don’t want to have to do that all the time but it’s looking like that’s what it might come down to.


  3. From what I can tell, he does enjoy topping you, but leans more towards a sub.

    You mentioned him not pushing hard enough… did you mean he doesn’t push hard enough to have time to top you, or he doesn’t push you hard enough to get you to submissive mindset?


    1. Ugh ok let’s not say submissive mindset. God why is that word such a trigger for me? Lol let’s say… bottom mentality lol

      I guess I meant he doesn’t push me far enough into that “bottom mentality” (lol) to where I’m able to feel fulfilled. And he doesn’t push himself either as a Top. We have all these delicious tools and toys and I like to use every single one on him and yet when it comes time for him to Top he doesn’t even think to use them on me. It’s like “dude they’re there, I’m willing, just do what I did to you” but it doesn’t come to him. I take that as a sign. 🤷‍♀️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol. 😏

        Of course he isn’t going to do what you do. Maybe what he does is enough for him. If so, then, yeah, you’re going to have spell it out… but even then he may not want to. Another thing to keep in mind is that it can take years to find a good balance. He is open to exploring with you, that is exciting.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Ahhhh. Yes. That is a problem. I see now. He half-asses it.

    This is why some people have one top and one bottom. I guess some people truly only see themselves strictly as one or the other.

    Why does that word trigger you so much? It’s intriguing. It looks like you know and want to share. I hope delving into that will be okay for you.

    Sooooooo. You have to figure out how to make this situation into a win/win for both of you. Consider that your relationship (all relationships/all people) are In constant flux; what you had a few months ago is different than what you have now and what you will have in the future will be different as well. Not necessary better or worse. So if you can learn to enjoy the ride, making the best of it, resetting the course as needed. The greatest boon to being a Domme is that we get to navigate. It can be both burden and a pleasure. Find the sweet spot. Find what will work for both of you. I hope you can get him to talk. He needs to voice himself; be vulnerable. That should be his sub-space gift to you. Me personally, I’m not opposed to torture; but I’m a sadistic little girl. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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