I got scared at the changes I was seeing in sayyid and started to question if that was really what I wanted him to be. He fell harder and faster into submission than I expected. It surprised me. The changes I saw in him scared me.
So I started to pull back a little on the dominance. I let him have more periods of control (in the bedroom). He got confused. I got confused. So picture the two of us now standing here looking at each other with “ok now what?” looks.
But now that I think I figured out the reason, I can initiate talk with him about it. As a good friend made me realize, I’m not in this alone. I have to see where sayyid’s head is at. Does he want to be changed? How far does he want to go with this? Does he realize the implications that will have on our relationship, on our marriage?
It’s not like I haven’t tried to have this discussion with him. It’s just that this time I won’t accept “whatever you want” or “if it gets to be too much I’ll tell you” as his answers.
Last week I implemented our debriefing sessions that we used to do when I tried being a sub for him. Wednesday evenings and Sundays. He came down with a stomach virus yesterday so we skipped it. If he’s feeling better I’ll call a session tonight. If not I’ll wait until Wednesday.
Should be interesting. I’m hoping to have more clarity on how to proceed from here. He has mentioned a few times he would like to try switching. Now, I know beyond a doubt I am a switch. I don’t want to ride the slash (and be both Dominant and “submissive” – still hate using that word in relation to myself, ugh, but for simplicity sake I will) rather I need to be both.
That’s another realization. I was thinking that someone either feels a real need for dominance or a real need for submission, but for a switch it’s a choice. This is wrong. It’s not a choice. I would not be happy being dominant all the time. Nor would I be happy being… ugh here’s that word again…. submissive all the time. I need both in my life.
Figuring out how it will work is the next step because I don’t know if he’s a switch or not. I don’t think so. His submissive tendencies are too strong -it’s like his natural default setting in regards to me. He struggles to be dominant. He doesn’t push it nearly as far as he needs to. So why he thinks he wants to switch, I have to find out. Perhaps it’s because he thinks it will make me happy.
It would make me happy, if I believed it was what he wanted and was within his ability to be that way. I just don’t buy it.
So stay tuned as there may be some interesting developments coming our way. I will keep you all posted.