This past weekend Sayyid and I talked about what he wants. I did not accept his answer “to make you happy”. I pushed him to look inside, dig deep and tell me what he wants, not what he thinks I want or what I want him to want.
He told me what he doesn’t want. He doesn’t want to be changed. Submitting to me and my type of dominance 24/7 will change him.
So he said his ideal is to be dominated in the bedroom only. That is not enough for me. It’s not fulfilling. It’s like being given tastes of something you crave, something delicious, and then being denied it until the next little morsel comes your way. Doms can starve too, just as much as subs can.
He then said he wanted to try domming again, maybe as a daddy this time. So maybe we could switch, take turns. But I told him I can’t do it. I can’t submit to him again.
We continued to talk about different scenarios. We racked our brains to come up with a solution that will make us both happy.
There is no solution.
I can no longer accept submission given for my sake. It reached the point where every time I tried to exert my dominance a voice in my head, growing louder and louder, would say “but he doesn’t want this”.
I wish he did. I wish he would come to me on his knees and beg me to dominate him, beg to be spanked, to be teased and denied, to be caged, to fulfill a fetish, etc. It’s what I’ve been waiting for all this time. For him to realize he wants this lifestyle.
But I have to face facts: he doesn’t want it. He is simply a man who wants to make his wife happy. He may posses submissive traits, particularly in regards to me, but he is not a submissive.
And so I have to let a part of me die. I’ve known this for a long time now. I just haven’t had the courage to face it.
This morning I messaged him and let him know this. He said he doesn’t want me hurting. That there must be something we can do.
But I see no other options. No other way. He said he still wants to talk more. I don’t see what else there is to say.