Facing the truth

This past weekend Sayyid and I talked about what he wants. I did not accept his answer “to make you happy”. I pushed him to look inside, dig deep and tell me what he wants, not what he thinks I want or what I want him to want.

He told me what he doesn’t want. He doesn’t want to be changed. Submitting to me and my type of dominance 24/7 will change him.

So he said his ideal is to be dominated in the bedroom only. That is not enough for me. It’s not fulfilling. It’s like being given tastes of something you crave, something delicious, and then being denied it until the next little morsel comes your way. Doms can starve too, just as much as subs can.

He then said he wanted to try domming again, maybe as a daddy this time. So maybe we could switch, take turns. But I told him I can’t do it. I can’t submit to him again.

We continued to talk about different scenarios. We racked our brains to come up with a solution that will make us both happy.

There is no solution.

I can no longer accept submission given for my sake. It reached the point where every time I tried to exert my dominance a voice in my head, growing louder and louder, would say “but he doesn’t want this”.

I wish he did. I wish he would come to me on his knees and beg me to dominate him, beg to be spanked, to be teased and denied, to be caged, to fulfill a fetish, etc. It’s what I’ve been waiting for all this time. For him to realize he wants this lifestyle.

But I have to face facts: he doesn’t want it. He is simply a man who wants to make his wife happy. He may posses submissive traits, particularly in regards to me, but he is not a submissive.

And so I have to let a part of me die. I’ve known this for a long time now. I just haven’t had the courage to face it.

This morning I messaged him and let him know this. He said he doesn’t want me hurting. That there must be something we can do.

But I see no other options. No other way. He said he still wants to talk more. I don’t see what else there is to say.


26 thoughts on “Facing the truth

  1. -hugs you tight- I hope you find a solution to this, SG.

    It can take time and be a gradual process to accept. It may not be the right time for him right now. I can tell that he wants to make you happy and I think he wants it. I think the switching in the bedroom may help him.

    I hope the second talk goes better. I’m thinking of you ❤

    Liked by 4 people

  2. It’s a good sign that he still wants to find a solution. I know it’s disheartening and demoralizing that he doesn’t want the same thing as you, but keep in mind that he is making an effort (which was an issue in the beginning) and nothing is set in stone. There’s still the opportunity of coming to a happy medium.

    I can understand his concern about losing himself. It’s the same issue I have struggled with in regards to my submission to HD. I have such a draw to completely surrender, and it’s absolutely terrifying. Sayyid could be experiencing the same issue. You don’t want to change who he is, you just want him to submit to you. They don’t have to be synonymous. Reassure him that you don’t want to change his fundamentals, that you still want him to be who he is. That won’t ever change because you love him for him. He may just need more assurances that submitting won’t alter his personality.

    The possible solution I see, if the above doesn’t help, is to expand your play partner pool. You have mentioned having a babygirl and online subs, so that might be the route you take to satiate your need. Since he wants to try Domming again, maybe he could do the same…obtain a sub that is able to satisfy that desire for him.

    I hope these ideas help. Reaching a mutually-pleasing compromise is never simple or easy. *hugs*

    Liked by 5 people

    1. For him to submit, all the fundamentals must change. You cannot have him completely alter his sexuality and not expect his true north to change.


      1. I don’t understand. Why do the fundamentals have to change? He clearly enjoys submitting, otherwise he wouldn’t be willing to do so. The issue is that he doesn’t have the desire to submit as fully as SG wants him to. She craves more control outside the bedroom.
        Who said anything about altering his sexuality? It’s clearly stated in SG’s post that Sayyid enjoys being Dominated in the bedroom, and thus he’s sexually aroused by it. His sexuality is on board. It’s the day-to-day things where he doesn’t have the drive to submit.

        Besides, I never stated anything about changing him, his fundamentals, or his sexuality.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. In her own words: “But I have to face facts: he doesn’t want it. He is simply a man who wants to make his wife happy. He may posses submissive traits, particularly in regards to me, but he is not a submissive” He is simply going through the motions to make her happy. His fundamental nature is NOT submissive in a manner that fulfills her FUNDEMENTAL nature which is dominant. For her, this is not: “Let’s play for a while. I’ll be dominate and you be submissive. And then late we’ll switch, or maybe we won’t. And this is just sometime. What she wants and says she needs would require a complete paradigm shift in who they are, what their marriage is, how they express their sexualities in and out of the bedroom and how those needs are met.


          1. Again, you are one of those people who fail to see all the myriad possibilities in the spectrum. Relationships are not nearly as black-and-white as you are wont to believe.
            If a good friend of mine is to be believed, my fundamental nature is not submissive either. My fundamental nature is a snarky, pouty, petulant, whiny bitch with a fierce temper and a sharp tongue…but with submissive traits. And yet, I submit, quite deeply at times, dipping into slavery. I am happy in doing so. The moral: one’s fundamental composition does not always determine one’s enjoyment of a particular role.

            Which brings me to question, who are you to tell her that her relationship with her HUSBAND is hopeless? That she should end a happy marriage to the man she built a life with, had kids with, enjoys being with? There are sooooooo many possibilities! First, he is quite new at this. It takes more than a few months to discover how deeply one is willing to go. Dominance has the tendency of escalating faster than submission. (Furcissy has written several wonderful posts about this, you should check out his writing. You might learn something.) Two, there are options of expanding outside the relationship IF they both feel comfortable with doing so and IF they agree they can’t meet each other’s needs. Open relationship, poly…ever heard of those? No need for divorce (despite your callous insistence). Many many many many many many couples make things work and are happy, despite having differing needs.

            And there are an infinite possibilities in between. It’s all a matter of communication and finding the best solution for BOTH of them.

            And for the record, no one is “dominate.” The word is dominANT. (Capitalization for illustration.)

            Also, SG has stated in previous writings that she enjoys switching in the bedroom. Sooooo, that portion of your argument is also null and void.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. I went through this exact thing with my husband. I started as his submissive, then I realized I was actually dominant. He is in no way submissive so we opened our relationship. Since I can’t seem to get what I need without loving my submissive we expanded again to polyamory. Poly is based on the idea that you can love more than one person. It’s not always easy and it’s not for everyone but it might work for you. If not, I think having an agreement that allows for play partners outside of your relationship would help.
    I can tell you that it’s impossible to ignore the dominance. It will fight it’s way to the surface one way or another.

    Liked by 6 people

  4. HeartsHope and Kat raise some valid points. I particularly like HeartsHope’s ideas. Being dominated doesn’t necessarily mean a sub becomes a different person. Speaking as a sub I think I can say this from personal knowledge. You fell in love with Sayyid for him. So you don’t want him to change—just to submit. From your writings, he does seem to have submissive tendencies. Have that second talk. Reassure him.
    Your need for dominance will not go away. You will need to have some sort of outlet that fills that need. For the sake of your marriage I hope it’s with Sayyid! I’ve been through a divorce and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Keep communicating. Don’t lose sight of your love for each other. Explore all your options together and keep playing.

    Do you have to feel his thirst? I know the feeling. I understand. I thought he was enjoying it. Maybe he enjoyed it too much. Go slow. Just because he is taking a few steps back doesn’t mean he can’t rise. Maybe he is scared. Maybe he is retreating to familiar territory. This journey is MUCH harder for men especially one who never even thought of it or contemplated it before. Give him space and keep all the doors open for now. Don’t let your anger and disappointment take control. Steady yourself and redirect this energy into finding a solution. You’ll get there!!!

    Liked by 5 people

  6. The solution is not as difficult as so many are making it out to be. You must remain true to you. Divorce him. Move on. There are hundreds of men who would be willing to be your husband and submit to you.


      1. When I used the word “not difficult” I did not mean easy. My apologies. The fact is the solution remains simple. No person can change their fundamental, core nature and how that core expresses its sexual needs and has those needs met. We may manage it, postpone it, but it will emerge. Any continued effort to suppress will be met with more effort to emerge and on it goes. Being in love won’t help. Children won’t help. She makes it clear that this is a fundamental, core need, that this is who she is-Dominant. He is not, at his fundamental core, submissive.. No amount of negotiation, compromise, discussion, reassurance, or give and take is ever going to change that. She must either, as she says “let it die”, compromise and try to be happy(that is not easy), or move on.


        1. I do agree with some of what you’ve said, but I also think you aren’t taking ALL things into consideration. I’m not sure how long you’ve been reading her blog… I feel it is important to know the details of a situation before jumping to conclusions.

          They have only been doing this for a year, and the first part of that they were M/f. Not to mention they have been together for many years — years where they lived a different lifestyle. It takes time to develop and evolve. They clearly do not want to give up on each other, so compromising is paramount, and it seems to me they are working on it. Personally, I think that shows strength and good character. Happiness is not easily found, not matter if she leaves him or not.

          Of course, should she decide to leave him, I will back her up, as she has done the same for me.

          Liked by 1 person

  7. HeartsHope, those qualities you list, petulant, snarky, pouty, etc are personality traits. Your fundamental core is as a submissive. If you can be both dominant and submissive your fundamental core is as a switch, and you would self-identify as such. If you dominate your core is as a dominant. Again in her own words: “So maybe we could switch, take turns. But I told him I can’t do it. I can’t submit to him again.” It seems that this quote resurrects my argument from the realm of the “null and void.” Poly would work if he would agree to such an arrangement. This is pure speculation on my part, but poly doesn’t seem to be something of which he’s fond. I could be wrong, and in that case if he would agree, the conflict is resolved. I have read a good deal of furcissy’s blog and respect his analysis of “sexual humiliation”. I will certainly go back to it and read his thoughts on the speed with which dominance and submission integrate themselves into the individual’s person. As to “who are you to tell her that her relationship with her HUSBAND is hopeless?”, I would argue that my post is as worthy as any you, “KAT”, “collaredmichael”, “cincy34”, “Ms Dixie Wrecked”, or “chastecyclist” , all of whom offered their opinions, suggestions and observations, have written. Even though my post may make you uncomfortable, even angry, it remains as valid a post as any of the others. If sayyidsgirl wishes me to stop posting, all she need do is email me, and I will refrain. By the way, thank you for pointing out my poor editing and revision skills.


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