I am coming to accept the fact that sayyid is vanilla. And while he tries, and has been so open to experimenting with me, he will never be into the things I am into. I have also accepted the fact that I cannot repress these needs and desires that have only grown stronger over the past year.
Yes, it has been nearly a year since I first read about D/s and asked sayyid if we could try it. At first it was as his submissive. For five months we tried. He would do well for a few days and then it would stall, leaving me starving for more. Maybe if we had given it more time…. but he never took a real interest in it. Never read about it. Never implemented anything on his own that I did not suggest first.
I started to explore the other side and realized I really enjoy being in control, pushing someone else into subspace, feeling empowered. Sayyid too found that he enjoyed the dominance in the bedroom. In doing this I realized I was a switch -I needed moments of control and moments of giving up that control.
I asked sayyid if I could try dominating him outside the bedroom. At first he said no. I decided to go online and found willing subs to dominate. Shortly after this sayyid said he would submit.
In the beginning it was amazing! He has always had a strong desire to please me and see me happy. This played well into his role as sub. I was gaining confidence and entitlement.
But then I noticed changes in him that I was not comfortable with. I still wanted to see him as a strong man and I wanted those moments in the bedroom where he topped me and my head would swim from being pushed into submission. The more I dominated him, the less he could that.
At the same time I was becoming annoyed because he never took initiative. And he would never share his feelings, what he liked, didn’t like, wanted, didn’t wanted. His standard answer was always “to make you happy”.
While this is beautiful, to have a man who loves me this much, I started feeling guilty. This was something I wanted, not him. How could I allow him to submit, to feel my cane, to live by my commands, when he was only doing it for me? I felt selfish. I started to pull back. Our D/s eventually stalled.
And that’s how it’s been ever since. We’ve had many conversations lately. They all point to the same thing. He did it mostly for me, will continue to do it for me if I want. I cannot accept this.
Meanwhile, throughout my trials and tribulations with sayyid, I continued my explorations and experimentations online. But for that you’ll have to read my other blog.
So where do things stand now and what is the future for sayyid and I?
He is vanilla. I cannot change him anymore than he can change me. I’m tired of resenting him for something he’s not. However, we love each other and our committed to our marriage.
He has agreed to me having a babygirl and a mommy online. He has encouraged me to find a babygirl/sub in real life. I may, if the right person comes along. I will continue with the friends I have made online.
Maybe with these outlets, outside the marriage, things will be better between us. It will take the pressure off of him having to live up to something he’s not and me having to deny what I am.
This blog has mainly focused on D/s between Sayyid and I. I’m not sure if there is a future for it without this? Perhaps I may continue to post the occasional sexy story about our antics in the bedroom. We shall see.
I can see myself becoming more active on my other blog now. I have recently followed many of you from over there. If I missed you and you want to follow me there, send me an email and I will send you the link.
It has been an interesting, exciting, at times painful and frustrating journey. The journey continues only in a new direction for now. Who knows where it will take me? I am both excited and nervous to find out!