Annual review

I am coming to accept the fact that sayyid is vanilla. And while he tries, and has been so open to experimenting with me, he will never be into the things I am into. I have also accepted the fact that I cannot repress these needs and desires that have only grown stronger over the past year.

Yes, it has been nearly a year since I first read about D/s and asked sayyid if we could try it. At first it was as his submissive. For five months we tried. He would do well for a few days and then it would stall, leaving me starving for more. Maybe if we had given it more time…. but he never took a real interest in it. Never read about it. Never implemented anything on his own that I did not suggest first.

I started to explore the other side and realized I really enjoy being in control, pushing someone else into subspace, feeling empowered. Sayyid too found that he enjoyed the dominance in the bedroom. In doing this I realized I was a switch -I needed moments of control and moments of giving up that control.

I asked sayyid if I could try dominating him outside the bedroom. At first he said no. I decided to go online and found willing subs to dominate. Shortly after this sayyid said he would submit.

In the beginning it was amazing! He has always had a strong desire to please me and see me happy. This played well into his role as sub. I was gaining confidence and entitlement.

But then I noticed changes in him that I was not comfortable with. I still wanted to see him as a strong man and I wanted those moments in the bedroom where he topped me and my head would swim from being pushed into submission. The more I dominated him, the less he could that.

At the same time I was becoming annoyed because he never took initiative. And he would never share his feelings, what he liked, didn’t like, wanted, didn’t wanted. His standard answer was always “to make you happy”.

While this is beautiful, to have a man who loves me this much, I started feeling guilty. This was something I wanted, not him. How could I allow him to submit, to feel my cane, to live by my commands, when he was only doing it for me? I felt selfish. I started to pull back. Our D/s eventually stalled.

And that’s how it’s been ever since. We’ve had many conversations lately. They all point to the same thing. He did it mostly for me, will continue to do it for me if I want. I cannot accept this.

Meanwhile, throughout my trials and tribulations with sayyid, I continued my explorations and experimentations online. But for that you’ll have to read my other blog.

So where do things stand now and what is the future for sayyid and I?

He is vanilla. I cannot change him anymore than he can change me. I’m tired of resenting him for something he’s not. However, we love each other and our committed to our marriage.

He has agreed to me having a babygirl and a mommy online. He has encouraged me to find a babygirl/sub in real life. I may, if the right person comes along. I will continue with the friends I have made online.

Maybe with these outlets, outside the marriage, things will be better between us. It will take the pressure off of him having to live up to something he’s not and me having to deny what I am.

This blog has mainly focused on D/s between Sayyid and I. I’m not sure if there is a future for it without this? Perhaps I may continue to post the occasional sexy story about our antics in the bedroom. We shall see.

I can see myself becoming more active on my other blog now. I have recently followed many of you from over there. If I missed you and you want to follow me there, send me an email and I will send you the link.

It has been an interesting, exciting, at times painful and frustrating journey. The journey continues only in a new direction for now.  Who knows where it will take me? I am both excited and nervous to find out!

 

 

 

 

22 thoughts on “Annual review

  1. I’m sorry that Sayyid is proving to be vanilla. I understand your reluctance to domme him when he really is only doing it to please you but that is what submissives do. We please our Dommes. Still I hope your journey continues and moves in a way that is satisfying to you while your marriage remains strong. You know I follow you on both your pages but somehow I would hate to see this blog disappear. All the best!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I understand what you’re saying. Of course it is a submissives job to please their Domme. But there’s a difference between a submissive wanting to please their Domme and a husband wanting to please his wife.

      I don’t want this blog to end either Michael 😦 I just don’t have anything to write about now.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I caught on to “entitlement”. As a submissive, a little and baby girl, that CAN domme but prefers to be dominated, entitlement…..to what does that entail? From you both? I encourage a strong communication between you both. From both sides. I just question because I’ve seen both sides and the end of a marriage. A 26 year relationship. It’s not a pretty or easy thing to deal with. On either side. I just noticed “entitlement”. That’s all.

    Like

    1. I’m not sure I understand the question? Are you referring to yourself when you say “As a submissive, a little and baby girl, that CAN domme but prefers to be dominated,”? Because I did not specify a preference.

      When I said entitlement I was speaking in the context of being a Domme. I believe it’s an important step in a Domme’s evolution to gain a sense of entitlement. When things were going well with him as my sub I was growing and evolving as his Domme. That’s what I was alluding to in my post.

      Of course the end of a marriage is never pretty or easy. It’s not something to take lightly or simply throw away. We get that which is why we are working on a compromise.

      Like

  3. I am sorry to hear this SG as I know it must be a hard conclusion for you to draw and to accept. I hope that you manage to find the fulfillment that you are looking for through your online relationships. I will always be here if you want a friend to talk to 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m sorry it has to come to this, I guess Sayyid has tried, but at least if you have a baby girl you can still enjoy yourself, you never know, he may enjoy seeing you with her. But I will miss you and your blog if you stop this one.
    You mention another blog, what’s that one ?
    Keep being strong hunnie, big hugs and love xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh SG. I am sorry that Sayyid is turning out to be vanilla. That may not prove to be a bad thing in the end though. He’s encouraged you to find a babygirl in person, which is an exciting new avenue to explore. Also, he obviously enjoyed submitting and Domming in the bedroom, which still leaves room for play and exploring as well.

    Something else to consider is how quickly all of this has transpired. The situation may again be different in another year. It takes time to process, and Sayyid went from being your Dominant to being your submissive rather abruptly. Things could again change, and Sayyid might discover that he isn’t as vanilla as he currently seems.

    Regardless, I know you’ll find a way to make it work. *hug*

    Liked by 2 people

  6. In the end, you may find yourself in a very difficult situation emotionally. Similar to you, I have a friend who used to be a pro-domme (now a full time nurse, and pretty much retired as a pro-domme). For her BDSM is a real lifestyle. For her, dominating her lover/husband in the bedroom (and outside too) is what a relationship/sex is all about. Her husband just couldn’t stick with it, and significant distance between them has arisen. Seems to be widening as well. What to do? Some difficult/hard choices. Go outside your marriage? If he cares, he should play along and be sub, and you could do vanilla to say thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. This may seem like an unhappy ending, but their is reason to rejoice. If you do not share a passion for something that your mate is extremely passionate about – it can often destroy the relationship — UNLESS you are strong enough to allow and encourage your mate to pursue that passion without you. He is to be commended for supporting you on your journey. There are a lot of people in your shoes whose mate would, at best be upset, at worst would try to shame you, for pursuing this. While not what you hoped for, it is the most equitable solution for your relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s