It’s been just over a year since I learned about a little thing called D/s. A lot has happened over that year. With the husband, I went from sub to Domme. Overall, I evolved into the switch I am today, and who knows what is in store tomorrow or down the road.
This time of year has me in a reminiscing mood. What was I like as a sub? In the beginning a very good one, though a bit frenzied and impatient. (Did I say “a bit”? Ok anyone reading my early blogs will know I was a lot impatient. I admit, I wanted everything all at once.)
For awhile I had this deep desire to serve him. I made it my mission to make his life easier and better. This wasn’t entirely selfless though. I wanted the feelings of subspace that service brought (subspace of the mindset kind, as opposed to the endorphin kind released from impact play for example)
It brought me such pleasure to do things for him like warm a towel and wait, kneeling, until he was done his shower to dry him off after. To wake before him and have his coffee ready in the morning. To bring him drinks and rub his feet. Even simple housework took on a whole new meaning because I began to view it as keeping him happy and stress-free.
But we know how that turned out. He did not view it the same way. While I longed for him to take what I was giving and run with it (ie, make me serve him naked or with a plug inserted, add some humiliation, stop me as I’m cleaning to perform sexually, etc ), it only made him feel guilty having me wait on him. Or he was ambivalent at best. What I would have given to hear a simple “good girl” back then! It would have fed my desire to serve even more.
But we now know he is not dominant, so these actions and feeding my sub needs did not come naturally to him. He did not take enough of an interest in dominating to learn what to do. I’m still trying to get over my resentment, even after all these months. What helps is finding value in his submission to me now.
I wonder… Could I get back to a place where serving someone brings me that kind of fulfillment again? How would it make me feel to serve again?
If I had someone who appreciated it and fed my subspace at the same time then it is possible I could serve again and find fulfillment through this. However, the caveat would be that I would also be feeding my Domspace. If I was able to have that need met also, to feel empowered and be in control of another, I think I could serve again. And possibly do it well.
To serve submissely is to be vulnerable. We know how well I do with vulnerability (not well at all!) So ensuring I still felt powerful and in control on some other level could provide balance for me.
In any event it would be an interesting experiment.